What Makes a Good Father?
All of us had one, whether we liked him or not. Some of us never even knew who he was. Some of us knew but vowed never to be like him. Some of us idolized him, wanting to be just like him. Some of us knew that he would always be there for us. Some of us were crushed because he wasn’t. Some of us felt the strength and security of knowing he was there. Some of us still carry around the burden of his absence. How could this one person be all at once, so important, so mysterious, so essential and so unique? Of course, this person is a Father.
The title Father is one that is bestowed upon a man, and should be earned not just given. There are plenty of men who know how to “father” a child, but have absolutely no idea what it means to be a Father. One who is a true Father may go by many names: Daddy, Dad, Pop, Pa, Pere, and Papa just to name a few. But what does it mean to be a Father, and more importantly how can a man become a good one?
There are many different examples of Fathers that we could emulate. Television and movies often paint fathers in the portrait of the bumbling idiot, who cannot do anything right, or the tyrant who is so focused on work and discipline that his kids can do no right. A true father, one who can be termed a good father falls somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. Any man has a bit of bumbling idiot in him. Just the same, any man has the nature to work hard ingrained in his being. However, there are several things that are the mark of a good father.
The first is a good father must learn to pay attention to his children. Men by nature tend to be singularly focused. That is to say that men do one thing at a time. Most men are not good multi-taskers. While that may be a strength in some circumstances it can become a weakness in raising children. It is easy to not pay attention to kids. They can kind of fade away into the background of life if a father doesn’t make a purposeful effort to engage them. Men can get wrapped up in their own lives, doing good work, providing financially for their families and taking care of business. All of this is important, but can create in a child the feeling that they are not important. Kids need to know that they are just as important as anything else in the world. In fact, they need to know that they are more important than anything else in the world. For a father, this means that he has to focus on his children just as much as he does his job, the bills, hunting, football and his wife.
This leads to the second thing. A good father must learn to make time for his kids. * (*The asterisk means that you must do this even when you are tired, because you will always be tired.) My father impressed this lesson on me when I was a boy, even though I didn’t know it at the time. My father is a carpenter. I can remember him coming home at the end of the day, sweaty and tired, covered in sawdust and just wanting a shower and a place to relax before dinner. I would be waiting with my baseball glove and ball in hand, for his red truck to come in the driveway. As soon as he did, I was out the door in a flash, looking expectantly at him. More often than not, he would go inside, maybe change shirts and come back out with his glove in hand and we would play catch until my mom had dinner ready. I never knew then what I know now. That it is hard when you have worked all day and been through the grind to turn it all off and become that kind of father. But I do know that it was worth it to me to know that I was important to my dad. He showed me that by being there when I needed him.
This leads into the third thing, and that is finding what your kids find important to be important as well. Every generation is different and there will be things that you do not understand about your kids, but they will see right through you and be crushed if you don’t at least attempt to care about what they care about. The message that will be sent is “I don’t care about what you care about, therefore I don’t care about you.” Is that what you are saying? No. But that is what a child understands. So a good father makes the attempt to play Barbie with his daughter, or picks up the other controller for the Playstation and gets laughed at as he falls off a cliff or gets beat up by the other guy. For these occasions are where memories are made and where the message is sent that I love you and I love what is important to you.
Fourth, a good father will treat his kids like they are kids. For all of you stuffy “grown-ups” out there, this means you will have to act like a kid yourself. Gasp! Come in from work, change out of your work clothes and get down on the floor and wrestle with your kids. A dad’s job is to get his kids wound up. Maybe you come out with a towel tied around your neck like a cape and your underwear on over your pants. Be goofy. Your kids will get the message that my dad wants to be with me on my level and that he can be silly too. Besides you may be surprised and actually like it. (Although I would not recommend going outside with your underwear in view, the neighbors may call the police.)
Fifth and perhaps one of the most important is supporting and believing in your kids no matter what. I would add the caveat that you can also balance this with encouraging your kids and building them up in the areas you see they have strengths. No matter how much you may want it, chances are some boys are not going to be the next Joe Montana or Peyton Manning. This doesn’t mean he shouldn’t try out for sports nor should you discourage him. Kids learn from trying things and they learn as much from their failures and struggles as they do from their successes. A good father teaches a child how to manage them both. Whether they succeed or fail at something they need to see you in the stands or the audience, cheering them on like a crazy person. Deep down, they love it.
It is also important, however, to recognize where your child is talented or gifted and give them every opportunity you can provide to draw that talent out. That means if they are musically inclined, get them music lessons and listen patiently to every wrong note they hit. If they are artistic, get them an art set and proudly hang their masterpieces on your refrigerator. If your passion is football and your sons is soccer, be understanding and get him into soccer. A good dad knows what his kids are good at and does everything in his power to develop and grow those strengths.
Finally a good dad, indeed a good man, knows when to be strong, when to be submissive and when to serve. The father who only shows his strength is like a car that only turns to the left. It is great in certain situations, but not always practical. A good dad is a picture of strength for his children, but also knows there are times to be gentle and sensitive. Likewise, there are times for a dad to stand up and there are times to be submissive. A child needs to see both. A man should stand up for what is right and fight what it wrong. But a man also needs to have a spirit of humility and service from time to time. In this way his children learn that their father is like a diamond with many facets, each rising to the light, when the necessity arises.
So whether you knew your father or not, whether you idolized him or vowed to be nothing like him, there are some traits of a father that transcend generations, races or cultures. These traits of a good father are ones that anyone can learn no matter what their past. They are ones that will show their children that they are prized and loved above all else. They are traits that will be passed on by example to the generations to come.
